Lucy Loves Jude

I want to tell him so much. If nothing else to give me some sort of concept of who I really am to him, to give me closure. But sometimes you have to think about other people. It's not about what I want. It's thinking about Maxwell, my family, all the logistics that seem to disappear when I think of the novel idea of me in his arms. You're right. It's not healthy for me to narrow my mind to only think of one kind of life with him. To not accept the fact that he may not be in my future. To think that there is a guy out there that at just the right time, in the right place, in the right moment, with the right intentions, loves me the way I love him. I wish I could know if he ever loved me the way I imagine myself always loving him. It hurts to think that someone, some human, some imperfect being could have such a hold on me. I know, I KNOW he's not perfect, but he is so perfect to me. It's not good for me, you're right. I do need to move on. I want to, I legitimately try. I am always led back to him in someway. I see a superhero and I think of his love for them. I hear The Beatles, and I remember of our mutual favorite band. Everytime I get a text, a call, I hope to look at my phone and see his name. I sound like a child, I know I'm sixteen. But it feels like I have already lived a lifetime that's just gone way too fast. I know it's easy to remember things differently than they happened, but maybe if the memory of him is all I will ever have, than that will be enough to know that maybe, at one second, in just the right moment, at just the right time, he felt the same way about me, as I always will him. I love him. I can't just forget.

There's No Bob Without a Betty, and No Betty Without a Bob

This week, my grandpa died. My siblings and loyal parents gathered around the night before and sung them the nightly ritual of "Tis Love That Makes Us Happy" as well as a few other hymns. Tears were shed. Memories were shared. I thought that this would be the hardest, being awoken to a somber voice telling me, that "Grandpa went to sleep with Jesus."
It's not often that all seven of my siblings and I are together, aside from Christmas or Thanksgiving, or a big event that happens during the year. For two days during the week, there we are. Together.
The real pain was the aftermath. My grandma and grandpa have been tied at the hip for over 65 years. There was no Bob without Betty, and no Betty without Bob. They were one. She has for all of her life had him by her side.
Right now my Grandma is banging on her bedroom door. She refuses to go to sleep.
My mom and I went into her nicely re-decorated bedroom with a pink comforter and dolls to get her ready for bed. She kept snapping at us, saying "now he is mine and I have chosen him for all this time and I don't understand why you are doing this to me." She has taken quite a liking to my dad, and refuses to let anyone else have even a glance of him. I don't know how my mom does it. She calmly replies, "I know, Mom. I know you don't understand. I love you, Mom." As the ritual continues, we begin singing our evening song.
"Tis love that makes us happy
Tis love that smoothes the way
It helps us mind
It keeps us kind
To others
 Everyday."
We get choked up, and both start crying. We hug each other. She is so confused. If she could see herself now in her right state of mind. If she knew that she is not a mean person. Even in her dementia, she doesn't fully understand what's going on, but she knows that a huge part of her is missing.
I can only hope to mimic the kind of love and care to my parents as mine have so humbly shown to my grandparents, and I can only hope to mimic the kind of love that they showed to each other, for their entire lives. When you get married, you vow to love each other as long as you both shall live. You vow to become one. I thought I had just lost my Grandpa, but my Grandma will never be the same either, because they were one.
Grandpa's love language was definitely not one of words, but rather of actions. I rarely remember sitting down just talking. I do however recall watching the infamous movie "It Takes Two" hundreds of times, sneaking ice cream away from Grandma, him picking me up absolutely whenever I needed him, gardening, going on walks, the list goes on. There are so many untold stories, so much that I still don't know! The thought of there being such a distinct beginning and end is just mind boggling. How can someone be here one minute, and be gone the next? How can it take nine months for someone to come into this world, and a second for them to go? Why does everyone come together when your born and when you die, but the life in between goes so fast? why. why. WHY? I want to know his stories, his life, where he came from. I was so close to him, and I still don't know him. Life seems so long, but it goes by so fast.

Epiphany.

epiphany:

how are you supposed to get rid of something if you still act like it exists?


I guess if you know it's there but don't act on it. when we have expectations of how things should be, we get so caught up in the picture of what we would like to happen in our head. we paint fantasies in our imagination. and when are expectations are crushed to the real life, everything comes crashing down, because you have poured your heart, soul, mind, yourself in it's entirety to believe the expectations you have created.

and life just passes you by, it doesn't wait for expectations. or moments. it simply, is.

come to terms with what exists. for lack of other words, the good, the bad the ugly.

Have the confidence to be in control. 

Sewing

I sewed a dress today! Don't know what possessed me. It's still in the works, but here's the general idea.

I only sewed the skirt part, lined it, put a slit it, and then wrapped the top part around in bow. You can do so much with the top, there are tons of DIY tutorials and stuff. Super simple for such a formal dress. The top picture is of the one shoulder version. Thinking about doing some embroidery and such. We'll see where it goes. Very fun.

Mindy Portrait April 23, 2012

I have loved shooting portraits. This one was definitely and experiment. I bought some crayola paint and splattered the back ground as well as her face. It was hard getting the light not to show through the white paper, it would definitely be easier with cloth. A very fun shoot.

I will travel the world!

the people.

the places. 

the culture. 

the food. 

Oh the places I'll go, from the wise words of Dr. Seuss. (that book is inspiring.)

God is good.

The world is vast. 

That excites me.

WORLD, HERE I COME?

NAW.

WORLD, HERE I AM!

Painting

I love obstructing the eyes.
You can imagine what the person is like.
Not who the person is.
But what describes them.