Lucy Loves Jude

I want to tell him so much. If nothing else to give me some sort of concept of who I really am to him, to give me closure. But sometimes you have to think about other people. It's not about what I want. It's thinking about Maxwell, my family, all the logistics that seem to disappear when I think of the novel idea of me in his arms. You're right. It's not healthy for me to narrow my mind to only think of one kind of life with him. To not accept the fact that he may not be in my future. To think that there is a guy out there that at just the right time, in the right place, in the right moment, with the right intentions, loves me the way I love him. I wish I could know if he ever loved me the way I imagine myself always loving him. It hurts to think that someone, some human, some imperfect being could have such a hold on me. I know, I KNOW he's not perfect, but he is so perfect to me. It's not good for me, you're right. I do need to move on. I want to, I legitimately try. I am always led back to him in someway. I see a superhero and I think of his love for them. I hear The Beatles, and I remember of our mutual favorite band. Everytime I get a text, a call, I hope to look at my phone and see his name. I sound like a child, I know I'm sixteen. But it feels like I have already lived a lifetime that's just gone way too fast. I know it's easy to remember things differently than they happened, but maybe if the memory of him is all I will ever have, than that will be enough to know that maybe, at one second, in just the right moment, at just the right time, he felt the same way about me, as I always will him. I love him. I can't just forget.

Epiphany.

epiphany:

how are you supposed to get rid of something if you still act like it exists?


I guess if you know it's there but don't act on it. when we have expectations of how things should be, we get so caught up in the picture of what we would like to happen in our head. we paint fantasies in our imagination. and when are expectations are crushed to the real life, everything comes crashing down, because you have poured your heart, soul, mind, yourself in it's entirety to believe the expectations you have created.

and life just passes you by, it doesn't wait for expectations. or moments. it simply, is.

come to terms with what exists. for lack of other words, the good, the bad the ugly.

Have the confidence to be in control. 

Shh.

Everyone has secrets.
Everyone has a story.
We walk by people everyday, knowing nothing about them, but also knowing that there is so much more to them. Now matter how well you know someone, you never really know them as well as you think. That's where God comes in, right? That's what we need. Because all other love in this world, sucks. and is so often deceived. And putting a label on something that God created to be so sacred, is not how it should be. But we also shouldn't be jealous. We shouldn't lie. But look at all of us, perusing around with our secrets and stories and lies and envy. The term "love" gets tossed around like nothing. When did it lose it's meaning? 

God is the ultimate love.
Which means he is the one who can take that away.
He know's our stories and secrets.

so.
many.
secrets.

...

The worst one's are the ones we hide from ourselves.

...