All I Wanted Was For You To Love Me, And That Made Me Forget Why I Ever Started Loving You

I'm in love with who your were. and I'm sad because I don't think I will ever find someone like that again and I don't have the capacity to change you. when in reality, maybe it is not you that changed, but me. and I like myself too much to change. The picture of us was always better in my head of the way things could be, when I was blind to the way things really were. A part of me will always hold onto the person you were, but I never want to be the person I was when I was with you again. I'm perfect. You're perfect. But together, you made me crazy. You made me question who I was and who I wanted to be and that's not how it should be. But things are never how they should be. All I wanted was you to love me, as I lost sight of the reason I ever started loving you. Everything was fine until I finally reached the perfect person I had created in my head, and you still didn't want me. I guess all along we knew. But I still hope that when you glance across the room, and smile for nothing, and I smile at you, that we both know, though we didn't ever happen in the way that I spent so much time dreaming of, our souls and hearts will know that we taught each other more than we ever would have learned without each other. expectations suck. I wish I could be with you. I wish you wanted to be with me. I wish you cared. I wish you knew. It's all so complicated. You're better off without me. 

Lucy Loves Jude

I want to tell him so much. If nothing else to give me some sort of concept of who I really am to him, to give me closure. But sometimes you have to think about other people. It's not about what I want. It's thinking about Maxwell, my family, all the logistics that seem to disappear when I think of the novel idea of me in his arms. You're right. It's not healthy for me to narrow my mind to only think of one kind of life with him. To not accept the fact that he may not be in my future. To think that there is a guy out there that at just the right time, in the right place, in the right moment, with the right intentions, loves me the way I love him. I wish I could know if he ever loved me the way I imagine myself always loving him. It hurts to think that someone, some human, some imperfect being could have such a hold on me. I know, I KNOW he's not perfect, but he is so perfect to me. It's not good for me, you're right. I do need to move on. I want to, I legitimately try. I am always led back to him in someway. I see a superhero and I think of his love for them. I hear The Beatles, and I remember of our mutual favorite band. Everytime I get a text, a call, I hope to look at my phone and see his name. I sound like a child, I know I'm sixteen. But it feels like I have already lived a lifetime that's just gone way too fast. I know it's easy to remember things differently than they happened, but maybe if the memory of him is all I will ever have, than that will be enough to know that maybe, at one second, in just the right moment, at just the right time, he felt the same way about me, as I always will him. I love him. I can't just forget.