11.23.11

Inquisitive. 

Melancholy.

Crying inside because you've changed inside. I love what you were but now I'm so hurt that you'll never be the same boy why did you change? Change the bad maybe change the ugly maybe but don't change what's been made to make me insane baby. Now I cry tears inside because it took me years to find you but only a second to be lied to. 

I just can't help myself. No, no, no I just can't help myself. 

You'll never know how bad you hurt me because I'll still smile for you everyday like nothings changed. On the outside everything's just dandy but on the inside what used to make me feel like heaven now makes me feel so crappy. I still can't put into word this feeling, maybe your love isn't all I've been needing. 

I just can't help myself. No, no, no I just can't help myself. 

Can I just find someone to show me love? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't want a love to be just out of sight simply out of spite I want you to love me with all your heart part of your mind  and me with all mine because a love like ours would have never died. 

I just can't help myself. No, no, no I just can't help myself.

Trying to hear the city without sound it seems so loud where are you now?

Fall Classic Weekend

So, I began today with about six hours of sleep for the past two nights, and about three hours for the 5 nights before that. Wonderful. I am not entirely sure how I am still functioning, but indeed, I am, somehow. Maybe I'm too tired to sleep, I don't know. Last weekend was Fall Classic. We won! Woohoo! We played El Dorado Academy, one of the nicest teams we could have played. It was a very intense game, we played to 5 and came back in the fourth game from 21-24. Whew. Stressin.

Today was PSAT testing. Before the test, I sort of had this plan in place for my life.. Something that went sort of like this: Ace the PSAT, Get National Merit Scholarship Award, be accepted to any college, ever, La da da. Ya.. Not so much. I am not entirely sure that this test will accurately show my knowledge. Prayin.
After that, we went to Chuckee Cheese. I ate pizza, a lot. Did the hoky poky with Chukeee, and danced with Jodi and Kristen on stage. Fun times. Ditched class with Mindy for about 3 minutes before we felt the guilt sinking in.
Orchestra pictures and volleyball practice, also. I really love cello, and can't wait to become better at it.
And, I've also had an epiphany. I LOVE to make people laugh. It is my high. I love it with passion.
Pretty much I still have at least a good 2 and a half hours of homework left. I feel like my rants aren't making much sense, so I must go sleep, so my literary genius and analyzation of my life can kick in in a more descriptive, in depth, making sense kind of way. Until then, goodnight world.

Josh+Caleb

Sometimes when I am having a conversation (generally via text message) and I get asked questions like, "what have you been up to this summer?" Im not sure what to say. If I say, "Well, I've watched 5 seasons of Grey's Anatomy. Oh, and have gone running." It just doesn't sound so good.. like I don't have a life or something. All school year, school takes up SO much time. But in summer, I have so much time that I don't know what to do with, so I just don't do anything. Interesting theorizing, I know. I've decided to start awaking earlier, and doing things that I will actually remember years from now.
Today, (well technically yesterday) was Josh and Caleb's birthday. Two of my best friends. They turned 18, into the world of voting, smoking, going to prison as an adult, and being able to move out without having to be emancipated. Jeremy, Nina, and I went to their house with them and were introduced to the show "Smallville." That of which they have seen the first nine seasons multiple times, (they were raised on this show, and "7th Heaven") while they sat eating straight from their own tubs of ice cream. We ate pizza, heard Caleb's voice as it went to an all time new high when he talked to his cat, Drifter/Buddy, played Montana Golf and Badmitten, and crammed six people into a five person car while rocking out to Rihanna. I was in a rather precarious position with my legs against the window above Caleb. They dropped us off at home, and Josh, Caleb and Bri headed off to see a movie in Lincoln City, not long thereafter being pulled over by a policeman. So, they came to our house, and we watched "The Dilemna" and it was lovely. They conversed about how many stalker girls they had well, stalking them, and over how many people had wished them "Happy Birthday" via facebook. Caleb and I talked about school and Hollywood and Berklee and such. They're good kids, good kids. Sometimes they may lack direction but they always find their way. :) They are two of the closest people to me, and they may not think of me as one of their good friends, but they've always been there, and they will always be there. From the first day at Mrs. H's homeschooling group in second grade. From their band "21 Gram" to "Colorblind Soldiers", relationship advice, late night melodies. I have lots of stories to tell. I love those two, a lot, I can't even formulate it into words.

Merry 4th of July, World

This is my first official post as a blogger. I decided to create a blog because it will give people a greater understanding of, well, me. And my fascination with life and everything in it. I have lots of thoughts. Lots of really incredible thoughts, that turn to ideas, that turn to more thoughts and ideas. and the problem is, I have so much in my head, and theres just not enough room to store it all. So I will document. I will document my crescendo of thoughts and ideas.
Today started out at 7:30 a.m. when I was abruptly awoken by my alarm that I had been anticipating the sound of all night. It began with the though of going for a run, and then ended with me waking up two and a half hours later. It's the thought that counts, I hope. I then went to Manzanita to watch their annual 4th of July parade with the parental's, Joseph, Becca, Magdelana, and Johannes. Johannes held his arms high, pointing at the floats and the trees and the people and saying the first letter of words, and particularly the "d" sound. He seemed to enjoy the parade, and waved his flag high, sometimes holding like a javelin, or a sphere, which could be somewhat disconcerning for an onlooker, but his smile assured that it was out of complete oblivion. Magdelana was not tossed any candy, but was NOT interested in fighting to get some for herself. And when one boy rudely reached in front of her to get his caramel treat, it was the end of the road for her. (Secretly I hope his teeth rot now so he learns his lesson.) The parental's showed us their old houses and recalled on times and memories they shared. Where Leanna used to ride her bike, and Joseph used to pull the wagon. They showed us the now post office that used to be my daddy's dental office. Pretty cool. We went to the beach after meeting with Jeremy and stayed there for a while. Watching the kite surfers and kites flying high. Wondering if a surfer got out too far, what he would do to get back to shore. It's kind of hard controlling the wind. However, it was quite chilly due to the wind, so I made a blanket with the sand. Not my best idea. After the beach. Afterward, We snuck into a little coffee shop where Jeremy happens to work and got some nice, large scoops of ice cream. Coffee almond fudge, and marionberry pie, which my scooper recommended.
Got back to Tillamook and had a picnic with the Betlenski/Coleman clan and splashed and went down slip n' slides and other water toys. Magdelana was very excited to go down the water slide with me, but after getting all dressed and half way up to it, she decided that she didn't want to. Instead she ate another hot dog. I chased Joseph around all afternoon, nearly tackling him, but mostly just frightening him. His method's of picking up a child or hiding behind dad or a stranger didn't go over so well with my tackling plan.
Magdelana and I sat down at the piano and played LOTS of music.
"Auntie Lalessa, you wanna play the piano with me?"
"Of course I do." I replied as my heart melted with glee.
We rocked it. My God Is Great, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, The ABC Song, as well as our own collaboration.
The Lyrics: Wheel wheel/ paper paper/bus bus. (I could be getting mixed up on the exact lyrics, but repeating the same word twice was a big component into our song writing skills.)
Went to the Blue Heron for their fireworks show and met Jeremy there as he walked in sipping a rasberry white chocolate mocha and bringing marionberry milkshake for Nina. I covered Magdelana's ears and we snuggled. She wasn't sure if the fireworks were going to fall on her, but I assured her that I would protect her. She said they looked like butterflies and flowers, and last 4th of July, she referred to the fireworks as "stars popping" which is a phrase that hasn't been forgotten. It was unclear when the finale was, because there were a lot of false alarms, but it was quite enjoyable.
Also, Michael Simson rocked the national anthem.
Today was a glorious day.