5.20.12 Ramblings

Wrote this to a melody last week unexpectedly.

Got no passions, got nothing to get by I can't even control my mind
I'll race you on a track on through my mind.
Show you in the dark scared of what you'll find

Someone guide me
I'm still fighting
No, I'm lying
Fix me

They say that lights will guide me home
But I'm in the city and I'm still alone
They tell everyday love will find a way
But I have all the words and I still can't say

Got no patience, got no satisfaction, I can't even control my reaction
I'll pace you on a walk on through my heart
Show you when to end before we start

Is this a heartbreak?
You make my heart race
This is a hard place
To be
Fix me

They say that the lights will guide me somewhere
But now I'm in the city and I still don't know where
They tell me everyday to just breathe easy
But my heart is still racing can you please just please me?

listening.

Breaking My Heart. (Aqualung) Something Pretty. (Patrick Park) Inside of Love. (Nada Surf) St. Augustine. (Band of Horses) Old Flame. (Arcade Fire) Enough to Get Away. (Joseph Arthur) Tattoo. (Joseph Arthur) Fall Line. (Jack Johnson) Symbol In my Driveway. (Jack Johnson) Friends. (Flight of the Concords) I like U Crazy. (Mates of State) Where You'll Find Me. (J.M. Long feat. T.A.T.) In The Sun. (Joseph Arthur) Hotel Song. (Regina Spektor) Kind of on a Joseph Arthur and Coldplay kick and never want it to end. LOVE.

4.7.12

"Be who you are, and if nervous is who you are then be nervous."-JML
he give's such sage advice. 
Spent the day at the beach barefoot with the family. Exciting.

some poems and rants for the broken hearts.

Flash forward it's all crash forward from here
rewind it's all behind us from here

Shivering, stuttering, searching for words
Gravity is pulling me still I'm caught by your lure

You know she's innocent, oblivious her poker face is a smile
She'll lay you down her cards that she holds close to her heart

She bought lipstick to match your skin
So then when they kissed
He could turn away and win this game that she didn't know they were playing

She's on the outside looking in always wondering when
she can't find a way
he can't find her away
so they just try it again
they're still looking in


If she wait's for you
Would you wait for her, too
you're waiting
she's wasted
his love is tasteless

She found so much more than she was ever looking for
When they kissed they thought that'd be it
Then they started to wish
that when she was away he was missed

She's on the outside looking in always wondering when
she can't find a way
he can't find her away
so they just try it again
they're still looking in

More.

"Im just a lonely kid just searching for love.
we were just a lonely kids just looking for more,
But then one day,
I couldn't fall asleep because my reality was better than my dreams.
Grown older, gotten wiser with age.
Grown up but still, we're the same.
Im still a lonely kid just searching for love settling for less.
We're both just lonely kids just living for less when there's so much more.
One night I made up my mind, thinkin of time, I was running out.
You said goodbye, I hugged you goodnight, watched you go, you never knew I cried.
I know it's hard for you, too. I know you loved me, too.
Drove me away from everything, forgot about the bad in the world.
In your world I was happy, but in this one I'll be good.
Feel any emotion? Anger, hatred, that's okay.
Knowing that I fill your thoughts with something, that's enough to make me crazy.
I guess you can't lose what you never had,
but you'll always have a hold on me.
Now Im falling asleep, turning to my dreams, because you're not in my reality."

...

11.23.11

Inquisitive. 

Melancholy.

Crying inside because you've changed inside. I love what you were but now I'm so hurt that you'll never be the same boy why did you change? Change the bad maybe change the ugly maybe but don't change what's been made to make me insane baby. Now I cry tears inside because it took me years to find you but only a second to be lied to. 

I just can't help myself. No, no, no I just can't help myself. 

You'll never know how bad you hurt me because I'll still smile for you everyday like nothings changed. On the outside everything's just dandy but on the inside what used to make me feel like heaven now makes me feel so crappy. I still can't put into word this feeling, maybe your love isn't all I've been needing. 

I just can't help myself. No, no, no I just can't help myself. 

Can I just find someone to show me love? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't want a love to be just out of sight simply out of spite I want you to love me with all your heart part of your mind  and me with all mine because a love like ours would have never died. 

I just can't help myself. No, no, no I just can't help myself.

Trying to hear the city without sound it seems so loud where are you now?

Fall Classic Weekend

So, I began today with about six hours of sleep for the past two nights, and about three hours for the 5 nights before that. Wonderful. I am not entirely sure how I am still functioning, but indeed, I am, somehow. Maybe I'm too tired to sleep, I don't know. Last weekend was Fall Classic. We won! Woohoo! We played El Dorado Academy, one of the nicest teams we could have played. It was a very intense game, we played to 5 and came back in the fourth game from 21-24. Whew. Stressin.

Today was PSAT testing. Before the test, I sort of had this plan in place for my life.. Something that went sort of like this: Ace the PSAT, Get National Merit Scholarship Award, be accepted to any college, ever, La da da. Ya.. Not so much. I am not entirely sure that this test will accurately show my knowledge. Prayin.
After that, we went to Chuckee Cheese. I ate pizza, a lot. Did the hoky poky with Chukeee, and danced with Jodi and Kristen on stage. Fun times. Ditched class with Mindy for about 3 minutes before we felt the guilt sinking in.
Orchestra pictures and volleyball practice, also. I really love cello, and can't wait to become better at it.
And, I've also had an epiphany. I LOVE to make people laugh. It is my high. I love it with passion.
Pretty much I still have at least a good 2 and a half hours of homework left. I feel like my rants aren't making much sense, so I must go sleep, so my literary genius and analyzation of my life can kick in in a more descriptive, in depth, making sense kind of way. Until then, goodnight world.