falling in love with a fantasy.

I tell myself that I don't miss you, but rather the idea of you. Let's face it, no person can compete with a fantasy, which has made it increasingly difficult to move on. I like who I am when I am with you. That is when I feel the most at home. It is not as if I miss you, but like you are missing from me. Without you I am scared. Which is strange because I did not know it was possible to miss someone who meant so much to me when I meant nothing in comparison. You know what is really, really, hard? It is hard knowing you. Knowing your smile and your laugh and your life and you looks and your hug and scent and family and heart and seeing how you can change in a moments notice to please others. See, that's the thing. You sacrifice yourself to please others when I want you to be yourself to please me. But I am too selfish to change for any one person. It is hard admitting when you're wrong. For me to admit that I really don't know you all too well, and I have spent most of my life wishing I could. Knowing you rarely showed the part of you that I loved, and you never have seen the part of me that I really love, because when I'm with you, I change into a person that I think you'd like to see. I care so much. I love you so much. It's one thing if you'd love me or hare me, but just not to care, to be indifferent? Luckily for me I can re-write history, and conveniently erase the parts where you hurt me and elaborate on those which made me love you in a way that I didn't think was possible. You didn't even know you hurt me, and I was too shy to tell you. It scares me, the thought of loving you, but even more than that, is the thought of not loving you. What would my heart do? One day you will see. I don't understand why, but I will stand by you always. You are my friend and I love that. Friendship is hard to come by and easy to lose. I value you, I value us. Not in the way I thought I wanted. But how would we work, anyway? I get so nervous being around you because knowing that I could care about someone so much makes me scared to lose you. No, no, no, no. It is not you. It is the idea of you. I mean, how could you ever love me the way I love you, when I can't put into words or a measurement how much I love you in the first place? See, it's a fantasy, you just add a name, and a face, and in some cases, you fulfill it. But it's NOT you. I can't be you. I won't allow it to be you! It's just the idea of you.

far from me.

I was always taught that love was a place
but my home's in your heart
and you're so far away
I picture me years from now
Quiet voice, soul is loud
I wonder if you'll ever need
anything from me
How did we get to this place?
Where time disappears in a blink
and life's a race, no time to think?
Always trying to heal hearts
that don't know their broken
I've misspoken yet again
If I leave soon enough
Maybe you'll miss me
You were wrong
You needed me all along
So I'll run
Far away
Find a new home
Someplace temporary
you probably don't even care
who I am anymore than me
Yet, here I am on my knee's
wishing, praying, begging, pleading
Well, at least I've got your memory
that's all I'll need
Can you meet me in my dreams?
I've got too many burdens on my back
Can I just collapse, and wait for the storm to pass?
People all around me say
they love and believe me
but I don't know what I need
I have the roots
but haven't planted any seeds 
I'll run
I won't stay.
Need to go
Take my heart
plant new seeds
somewhere far from who I thought I'd be.