It is not guns that kill, people do.
It is not God that turns others away, people do.
My mom is the most spiritual person I have met. I think that part of the reason I have formed a bond with God is because of her. It took me seeing how much she loved God, and how she believed that God loves me, for me to love Him myself.
I don't understand how some call themselves Christians when they simply believe in the doctrines. They don't believe in God or love or salvation or show love to everyone, they believe that if they follow the rules, that will show they believe in God.
It is not the rules that show God you believe in Him, it is your actions.
As a child, I didn't want my friends to come to church with me. I thought it was boring and I didn't want them to meet someone so caught up in the rules that they would forever have a bitter taste in their mouths about the church. But, the church is not a place. WE are the church. God's people are the church. The church is not some place you go, it is some place you are, because the church is a place to worship God.
I don't like being titled with religion, even if I do believe in the fundamentals. I like to be titled as a "loving person" because if I show love, I show God. Sure, there are rules, and I believe that they were set in stone for good reason. Ellen White, for instance. But, you cannot take something completely out of context, latch onto one thing that is said, and expect it to have the same meaning. I believe in God. I believe in love. I don't believe that love simply evolved.
It's not the person, it's the interpretations of the people.
It's the misconceptions of interpreting religion as God.
I want people to know God.
I want to know God.
I believe in God.
I am an Adventist because it draws me closer to the people I care about love, and God is love.
Friday, December 28, 2012
All I Wanted Was For You To Love Me, And That Made Me Forget Why I Ever Started Loving You
I'm in love with who your were. and I'm sad because I don't think I will ever find someone like that again and I don't have the capacity to change you. when in reality, maybe it is not you that changed, but me. and I like myself too much to change. The picture of us was always better in my head of the way things could be, when I was blind to the way things really were. A part of me will always hold onto the person you were, but I never want to be the person I was when I was with you again. I'm perfect. You're perfect. But together, you made me crazy. You made me question who I was and who I wanted to be and that's not how it should be. But things are never how they should be. All I wanted was you to love me, as I lost sight of the reason I ever started loving you. Everything was fine until I finally reached the perfect person I had created in my head, and you still didn't want me. I guess all along we knew. But I still hope that when you glance across the room, and smile for nothing, and I smile at you, that we both know, though we didn't ever happen in the way that I spent so much time dreaming of, our souls and hearts will know that we taught each other more than we ever would have learned without each other. expectations suck. I wish I could be with you. I wish you wanted to be with me. I wish you cared. I wish you knew. It's all so complicated. You're better off without me.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
How and Why
This past Friday, 27 people were shot and killed in Newtown, Connecticut at a school. 20 of them being children. 1 being the shooter. I thought this was such a terrible tragedy, but when it really hit me hard was when I looked on the news and saw the names of these kids who died, and teachers who died protecting them scroll across the screen. Suddenly each little boy and girl came alive. They became so real. It hit so close to home. My mom always taught me to always call people by name. Always, no if's, and's, or but's, you always call people by name, and each one of those people suddenly, had a name.
My brother Joseph is a very intelligent person. Among other things, he knows film and television like the back of his hand, and when it comes to asking for a valid opinion on such things, he's the first person I would go to. When I was a little girl, I used to hear rumbling's of CSI: New York coming from the other room. As soon as I would walk into the room, the pause button would quickly be pressed as my siblings looked at each other with large eyes wondering how to go about saying that this wasn't a television show that I would be allowed to see. Sometimes I would stay and pretend like I was covering my eyes, but look through the cracks of my fingers, I was very sneaky. With that being said, this wasn't an entirely regular occurrence. Believe me, we had our share of "G" rated films and Anne of Green Gables, which are equally as fulfilling, but there was on occasion times where Prison Break, or 24, or in this case CSI: New York was on and due to my mother's keen sense of judgement, my presence would not be seen at these screenings. Of course they would have happily put on something that both of us could see, but I wanted to see what they were seeing. I wanted to grow up. I wanted to know what the rumbling was about.
As the years passed, and I grew, and the novel idea of me being able to watch more television and movies that weren't so childish with my siblings felt more and more real. Eventually, it became a non-existent worry of mine. Time went on, and my freshman year I moved in with Joseph, his wife Becca, my niece Magdelana, my nephew Johannes, and my other brother Jeremy. This was one of the most delightful years I have ever lived. We had some of the greatest times imaginable, including rituals of a television show each night, one of which being "Lie To Me," a crime show based on the micro-expressions of people. I hadn't thought about CSI: NY in quite sometime, but de ja vu hit me, and I asked Joseph why we never watched that show nowadays. He explained to me something that was very important. He explained to me that in television, there can be a "how" or a "why" and that CSI: NY was a "how."(in much more eloquent terms, of course.)
It occurred to me that "why" questions are much more difficult to answer. Of course, I do find it interesting at what rate the car hit the pole, crushing the victim and not allowing oxygen to the brain, and eventually suffocating. The math, the logic, the numbers. Everything makes sense. Everything adds up. Every question has an answer and every answer a reason to back that answer up. It is when you start asking yourself why. Why? Why did the victim go out that late at night? Why did he not say goodbye? Why did he tell no one where he was going? Why was he alone? At this point you can only guess your best logic. With each question comes another question, and with each answer comes a series more.
Maybe that is why I enjoy crime shows. Because they give answers to all of the "why" questions that go through my head. They make all of these unanswerable questions make sense.
I know what happened in Newtown, Connecticut this past Friday. 27 people died. I can tell you how one man shot and took the lives of 27 people including himself. I can tell you which room he went to first. I can tell you his plan. I can state all of the facts. All of the statistics. I can tell you exactly how this happened. What I cannot tell you is why. Why did he kill 26 people? Why did he not get the help that he needed beforehand? Why did he take it out on children?
The questions are endless
The answers are nonexistent.
Emily Wilkens once came to preach at PAA for a week of prayer. She said, that once you start asking yourself "why" and come up with no answers, you have to ask yourself, "what now?"
I don't want to think of right now, I don't want to take action now, all I seem to want to do is want to think of Charlotte, Daniel, Rachel, Olivia, Josephine, Ana, Dylan, Dawn, Madeleine, Catherine, Chase, Jesse, James, Grace, Anne, Emilie, Jack, Noah, Caroline, Jessica, Avielle, Lauren, Mary, Victoria, Banjamin and Allison, those 26 victims each with a name and how life is too short if you're 100, let alone 6! I don't want to think of right now. I want to go forward, or go back. I am sitting, right here, knowing that I am absolutely incapable of bringing life into those 26 people again. That is all I want to do, that one thing I can't.
"How"does play and important role, though. How can I ask myself "what now?" When I ask that it is the first step toward moving on, toward accepting the facts, and that it even happend. What can I do in my community to make this world a better place? How can I hold my trust in God? How can I show others God? Because there comes a point when there are no answers to the why's or the how's or the what's or the who's, and all that's left is God. There is no explanation. Why would I want to answer these questions, because that just justifies the questions? I don't want "Why did he kill 26 people?" to ever be a normal question. How can I feel sympathy for the shooter who killed these people, and then was selfish enough to kill himself? How is it possible to believe in God, but not love all of his children? I cannot believe in a loving God, without possessing love to even the most un-loveable people.
That's a very hard concept for me.
kshjbrgb;ohwsbgiovlnlkfopuiyutrseazdxcvnbm.
...
Dear God,
Please be with the family's and victims of Newtown.
Help give me understanding, and to remember that this hurts you so much.
Help this world be a better place.
Help me know how to serve you. To not do things for myself, but to bring glory to you.
Help my actions not be my actions, but yours through me.
Help me be more like you.
Thank you, God.
Amen.
please come soon.
...
My brother Joseph is a very intelligent person. Among other things, he knows film and television like the back of his hand, and when it comes to asking for a valid opinion on such things, he's the first person I would go to. When I was a little girl, I used to hear rumbling's of CSI: New York coming from the other room. As soon as I would walk into the room, the pause button would quickly be pressed as my siblings looked at each other with large eyes wondering how to go about saying that this wasn't a television show that I would be allowed to see. Sometimes I would stay and pretend like I was covering my eyes, but look through the cracks of my fingers, I was very sneaky. With that being said, this wasn't an entirely regular occurrence. Believe me, we had our share of "G" rated films and Anne of Green Gables, which are equally as fulfilling, but there was on occasion times where Prison Break, or 24, or in this case CSI: New York was on and due to my mother's keen sense of judgement, my presence would not be seen at these screenings. Of course they would have happily put on something that both of us could see, but I wanted to see what they were seeing. I wanted to grow up. I wanted to know what the rumbling was about.
As the years passed, and I grew, and the novel idea of me being able to watch more television and movies that weren't so childish with my siblings felt more and more real. Eventually, it became a non-existent worry of mine. Time went on, and my freshman year I moved in with Joseph, his wife Becca, my niece Magdelana, my nephew Johannes, and my other brother Jeremy. This was one of the most delightful years I have ever lived. We had some of the greatest times imaginable, including rituals of a television show each night, one of which being "Lie To Me," a crime show based on the micro-expressions of people. I hadn't thought about CSI: NY in quite sometime, but de ja vu hit me, and I asked Joseph why we never watched that show nowadays. He explained to me something that was very important. He explained to me that in television, there can be a "how" or a "why" and that CSI: NY was a "how."(in much more eloquent terms, of course.)
It occurred to me that "why" questions are much more difficult to answer. Of course, I do find it interesting at what rate the car hit the pole, crushing the victim and not allowing oxygen to the brain, and eventually suffocating. The math, the logic, the numbers. Everything makes sense. Everything adds up. Every question has an answer and every answer a reason to back that answer up. It is when you start asking yourself why. Why? Why did the victim go out that late at night? Why did he not say goodbye? Why did he tell no one where he was going? Why was he alone? At this point you can only guess your best logic. With each question comes another question, and with each answer comes a series more.
Maybe that is why I enjoy crime shows. Because they give answers to all of the "why" questions that go through my head. They make all of these unanswerable questions make sense.
I know what happened in Newtown, Connecticut this past Friday. 27 people died. I can tell you how one man shot and took the lives of 27 people including himself. I can tell you which room he went to first. I can tell you his plan. I can state all of the facts. All of the statistics. I can tell you exactly how this happened. What I cannot tell you is why. Why did he kill 26 people? Why did he not get the help that he needed beforehand? Why did he take it out on children?
The questions are endless
The answers are nonexistent.
Emily Wilkens once came to preach at PAA for a week of prayer. She said, that once you start asking yourself "why" and come up with no answers, you have to ask yourself, "what now?"
I don't want to think of right now, I don't want to take action now, all I seem to want to do is want to think of Charlotte, Daniel, Rachel, Olivia, Josephine, Ana, Dylan, Dawn, Madeleine, Catherine, Chase, Jesse, James, Grace, Anne, Emilie, Jack, Noah, Caroline, Jessica, Avielle, Lauren, Mary, Victoria, Banjamin and Allison, those 26 victims each with a name and how life is too short if you're 100, let alone 6! I don't want to think of right now. I want to go forward, or go back. I am sitting, right here, knowing that I am absolutely incapable of bringing life into those 26 people again. That is all I want to do, that one thing I can't.
"How"does play and important role, though. How can I ask myself "what now?" When I ask that it is the first step toward moving on, toward accepting the facts, and that it even happend. What can I do in my community to make this world a better place? How can I hold my trust in God? How can I show others God? Because there comes a point when there are no answers to the why's or the how's or the what's or the who's, and all that's left is God. There is no explanation. Why would I want to answer these questions, because that just justifies the questions? I don't want "Why did he kill 26 people?" to ever be a normal question. How can I feel sympathy for the shooter who killed these people, and then was selfish enough to kill himself? How is it possible to believe in God, but not love all of his children? I cannot believe in a loving God, without possessing love to even the most un-loveable people.
That's a very hard concept for me.
kshjbrgb;ohwsbgiovlnlkfopuiyutrseazdxcvnbm.
...
Dear God,
Please be with the family's and victims of Newtown.
Help give me understanding, and to remember that this hurts you so much.
Help this world be a better place.
Help me know how to serve you. To not do things for myself, but to bring glory to you.
Help my actions not be my actions, but yours through me.
Help me be more like you.
Thank you, God.
Amen.
please come soon.
...
The Art To Getting By
When at first you try but you don't succeed
When everyone's telling you who to be and what to feel
When you stand up in a fight but you're still the bad guy
When it doesn't seem like you are gonna make it through the night
Oh darling let me teach you there's an art to getting by
I know life sucks I'm the first to tell you
but you gotta turn the other cheek and smile
turn the other cheek and smile
When you got so many maps but you still don't know where to go
When they say you you've had enough time, you should know
When you have a plan but it's not what you want
When you say you're in love and they tell you you're not
When it doesn't seem like you'll make it through the night
It's not worth this fight I'm fighting in
Oh darling let me teach you there's an art to getting by
I know life sucks I'm the first to tell you
but at least you can say you tried
Oh darling let me teach you there's an art to getting by
I know life sucks I'm the first to tell you
but you gotta turn the other cheek and smile
turn the other cheek and smile
When everyone's telling you who to be and what to feel
When you stand up in a fight but you're still the bad guy
When it doesn't seem like you are gonna make it through the night
Oh darling let me teach you there's an art to getting by
I know life sucks I'm the first to tell you
but you gotta turn the other cheek and smile
turn the other cheek and smile
When you got so many maps but you still don't know where to go
When they say you you've had enough time, you should know
When you have a plan but it's not what you want
When you say you're in love and they tell you you're not
When it doesn't seem like you'll make it through the night
It's not worth this fight I'm fighting in
Oh darling let me teach you there's an art to getting by
I know life sucks I'm the first to tell you
but at least you can say you tried
Oh darling let me teach you there's an art to getting by
I know life sucks I'm the first to tell you
but you gotta turn the other cheek and smile
turn the other cheek and smile
Friday, December 7, 2012
L.A.
Gonna start this home from the roots
Never thought I'd lose you
Gonna follow those city lights
Call me a dreamer but it's worth a fight
Easier said than done
Well I learned my lesson
There's no easy way out
and I found out the hard way
Is this a heartbreak
You still make my heart race
This is a hard place
to be
Someone guide me
I'm still fighting
No I'm lying
but you can't fix me
I want to go to L.A.
Take the Max or the Subway
Maybe I just had a bad day but,
I'm already here
I thought I left you far away from here
But you've still followed me through all these years
Three thousand miles away
I'm still choked up with no words to say
I'm searching for someone to replace
Someone to calm this rage
I'm all alone on this quest
We all know I got a few things I gotta get off my chest
Is this a heartbreak
You still make my heart race
This is a hard place
to be
You still make my heart race
This is a hard place
to be
Someone guide me
I'm still fighting
No I'm lying
but you can't fix me
I want to go to L.A.
Take the Max or the Subway
Maybe I just had a bad day but,
I'm already here
You call me with your touch, I'm too young for love, I'm too young
I'm too young for love
You call me with your touch, I'm too young for love, I'm too young
I'm just too young for love
Is this a heartbreak
You still make my heart race
You still make my heart race
This is a hard place
to be
Someone guide me
I'm still fighting
No I'm lying
but you can't fix me
I want to go to L.A.
Take the Max or the Subway
Maybe I just had a bad day but,
I'm already here
I guess maybe I jumped the gun
You know I still need to learn a few lessons
I'm stranded in this foreign land
Moving on holding a stranger's hand
This is a heartbreak
Cause you still make my heart race
This is a very hard place to be
No one can guide me
Cause I'm not fighting
No I'm not lying
You can't fix me
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Here's What It's Like On The Inside of My Soul
You can't possess love if you try
I'm no angel, but I still like to fly
One fear falls, I can't wipe it away
Just let it fall
'Till I got words to say
Say I'm gonna be happy
Say I'm gonna learn
Search through everybody but I still get hurt
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
Ask me no more questions, there's no more you need to know
Dust the corners of my heart, the child in me has grown old
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
If I sing loud enough you'll here no voice
I'm screaming in your ear, you've left me no choice
An angel told me once, "guard your gold and shoot your gun.
Love your God and hold him dear, but don't love anyone."
Say I'm gonna be happy
Say I'm gonna learn
Search through everybody but I'm still hurt
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
Ask me no more questions, there's no more you need to know
Dust the corners of my heart, the child in me has grown old
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
How sad of you to go without saying goodbye
You left me angry, crying
At least I can say I tried
How sad of you to leave without shedding a tear
You got a taste of the ice that burns my bones
Smile for the cameras that's the smile that you know
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
Ask me no more questions, there's no more you need to know
Dust the corners of my heart, the child in me has grown old
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
I'm no angel, but I still like to fly
One fear falls, I can't wipe it away
Just let it fall
'Till I got words to say
Say I'm gonna be happy
Say I'm gonna learn
Search through everybody but I still get hurt
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
Ask me no more questions, there's no more you need to know
Dust the corners of my heart, the child in me has grown old
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
If I sing loud enough you'll here no voice
I'm screaming in your ear, you've left me no choice
An angel told me once, "guard your gold and shoot your gun.
Love your God and hold him dear, but don't love anyone."
Say I'm gonna be happy
Say I'm gonna learn
Search through everybody but I'm still hurt
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
Ask me no more questions, there's no more you need to know
Dust the corners of my heart, the child in me has grown old
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
How sad of you to go without saying goodbye
You left me angry, crying
At least I can say I tried
How sad of you to leave without shedding a tear
You got a taste of the ice that burns my bones
Smile for the cameras that's the smile that you know
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
Ask me no more questions, there's no more you need to know
Dust the corners of my heart, the child in me has grown old
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
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