It is not guns that kill, people do.
It is not God that turns others away, people do.
My mom is the most spiritual person I have met. I think that part of the reason I have formed a bond with God is because of her. It took me seeing how much she loved God, and how she believed that God loves me, for me to love Him myself.
I don't understand how some call themselves Christians when they simply believe in the doctrines. They don't believe in God or love or salvation or show love to everyone, they believe that if they follow the rules, that will show they believe in God.
It is not the rules that show God you believe in Him, it is your actions.
As a child, I didn't want my friends to come to church with me. I thought it was boring and I didn't want them to meet someone so caught up in the rules that they would forever have a bitter taste in their mouths about the church. But, the church is not a place. WE are the church. God's people are the church. The church is not some place you go, it is some place you are, because the church is a place to worship God.
I don't like being titled with religion, even if I do believe in the fundamentals. I like to be titled as a "loving person" because if I show love, I show God. Sure, there are rules, and I believe that they were set in stone for good reason. Ellen White, for instance. But, you cannot take something completely out of context, latch onto one thing that is said, and expect it to have the same meaning. I believe in God. I believe in love. I don't believe that love simply evolved.
It's not the person, it's the interpretations of the people.
It's the misconceptions of interpreting religion as God.
I want people to know God.
I want to know God.
I believe in God.
I am an Adventist because it draws me closer to the people I care about love, and God is love.
Friday, December 28, 2012
All I Wanted Was For You To Love Me, And That Made Me Forget Why I Ever Started Loving You
I'm in love with who your were. and I'm sad because I don't think I will ever find someone like that again and I don't have the capacity to change you. when in reality, maybe it is not you that changed, but me. and I like myself too much to change. The picture of us was always better in my head of the way things could be, when I was blind to the way things really were. A part of me will always hold onto the person you were, but I never want to be the person I was when I was with you again. I'm perfect. You're perfect. But together, you made me crazy. You made me question who I was and who I wanted to be and that's not how it should be. But things are never how they should be. All I wanted was you to love me, as I lost sight of the reason I ever started loving you. Everything was fine until I finally reached the perfect person I had created in my head, and you still didn't want me. I guess all along we knew. But I still hope that when you glance across the room, and smile for nothing, and I smile at you, that we both know, though we didn't ever happen in the way that I spent so much time dreaming of, our souls and hearts will know that we taught each other more than we ever would have learned without each other. expectations suck. I wish I could be with you. I wish you wanted to be with me. I wish you cared. I wish you knew. It's all so complicated. You're better off without me.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
How and Why
This past Friday, 27 people were shot and killed in Newtown, Connecticut at a school. 20 of them being children. 1 being the shooter. I thought this was such a terrible tragedy, but when it really hit me hard was when I looked on the news and saw the names of these kids who died, and teachers who died protecting them scroll across the screen. Suddenly each little boy and girl came alive. They became so real. It hit so close to home. My mom always taught me to always call people by name. Always, no if's, and's, or but's, you always call people by name, and each one of those people suddenly, had a name.
My brother Joseph is a very intelligent person. Among other things, he knows film and television like the back of his hand, and when it comes to asking for a valid opinion on such things, he's the first person I would go to. When I was a little girl, I used to hear rumbling's of CSI: New York coming from the other room. As soon as I would walk into the room, the pause button would quickly be pressed as my siblings looked at each other with large eyes wondering how to go about saying that this wasn't a television show that I would be allowed to see. Sometimes I would stay and pretend like I was covering my eyes, but look through the cracks of my fingers, I was very sneaky. With that being said, this wasn't an entirely regular occurrence. Believe me, we had our share of "G" rated films and Anne of Green Gables, which are equally as fulfilling, but there was on occasion times where Prison Break, or 24, or in this case CSI: New York was on and due to my mother's keen sense of judgement, my presence would not be seen at these screenings. Of course they would have happily put on something that both of us could see, but I wanted to see what they were seeing. I wanted to grow up. I wanted to know what the rumbling was about.
As the years passed, and I grew, and the novel idea of me being able to watch more television and movies that weren't so childish with my siblings felt more and more real. Eventually, it became a non-existent worry of mine. Time went on, and my freshman year I moved in with Joseph, his wife Becca, my niece Magdelana, my nephew Johannes, and my other brother Jeremy. This was one of the most delightful years I have ever lived. We had some of the greatest times imaginable, including rituals of a television show each night, one of which being "Lie To Me," a crime show based on the micro-expressions of people. I hadn't thought about CSI: NY in quite sometime, but de ja vu hit me, and I asked Joseph why we never watched that show nowadays. He explained to me something that was very important. He explained to me that in television, there can be a "how" or a "why" and that CSI: NY was a "how."(in much more eloquent terms, of course.)
It occurred to me that "why" questions are much more difficult to answer. Of course, I do find it interesting at what rate the car hit the pole, crushing the victim and not allowing oxygen to the brain, and eventually suffocating. The math, the logic, the numbers. Everything makes sense. Everything adds up. Every question has an answer and every answer a reason to back that answer up. It is when you start asking yourself why. Why? Why did the victim go out that late at night? Why did he not say goodbye? Why did he tell no one where he was going? Why was he alone? At this point you can only guess your best logic. With each question comes another question, and with each answer comes a series more.
Maybe that is why I enjoy crime shows. Because they give answers to all of the "why" questions that go through my head. They make all of these unanswerable questions make sense.
I know what happened in Newtown, Connecticut this past Friday. 27 people died. I can tell you how one man shot and took the lives of 27 people including himself. I can tell you which room he went to first. I can tell you his plan. I can state all of the facts. All of the statistics. I can tell you exactly how this happened. What I cannot tell you is why. Why did he kill 26 people? Why did he not get the help that he needed beforehand? Why did he take it out on children?
The questions are endless
The answers are nonexistent.
Emily Wilkens once came to preach at PAA for a week of prayer. She said, that once you start asking yourself "why" and come up with no answers, you have to ask yourself, "what now?"
I don't want to think of right now, I don't want to take action now, all I seem to want to do is want to think of Charlotte, Daniel, Rachel, Olivia, Josephine, Ana, Dylan, Dawn, Madeleine, Catherine, Chase, Jesse, James, Grace, Anne, Emilie, Jack, Noah, Caroline, Jessica, Avielle, Lauren, Mary, Victoria, Banjamin and Allison, those 26 victims each with a name and how life is too short if you're 100, let alone 6! I don't want to think of right now. I want to go forward, or go back. I am sitting, right here, knowing that I am absolutely incapable of bringing life into those 26 people again. That is all I want to do, that one thing I can't.
"How"does play and important role, though. How can I ask myself "what now?" When I ask that it is the first step toward moving on, toward accepting the facts, and that it even happend. What can I do in my community to make this world a better place? How can I hold my trust in God? How can I show others God? Because there comes a point when there are no answers to the why's or the how's or the what's or the who's, and all that's left is God. There is no explanation. Why would I want to answer these questions, because that just justifies the questions? I don't want "Why did he kill 26 people?" to ever be a normal question. How can I feel sympathy for the shooter who killed these people, and then was selfish enough to kill himself? How is it possible to believe in God, but not love all of his children? I cannot believe in a loving God, without possessing love to even the most un-loveable people.
That's a very hard concept for me.
kshjbrgb;ohwsbgiovlnlkfopuiyutrseazdxcvnbm.
...
Dear God,
Please be with the family's and victims of Newtown.
Help give me understanding, and to remember that this hurts you so much.
Help this world be a better place.
Help me know how to serve you. To not do things for myself, but to bring glory to you.
Help my actions not be my actions, but yours through me.
Help me be more like you.
Thank you, God.
Amen.
please come soon.
...
My brother Joseph is a very intelligent person. Among other things, he knows film and television like the back of his hand, and when it comes to asking for a valid opinion on such things, he's the first person I would go to. When I was a little girl, I used to hear rumbling's of CSI: New York coming from the other room. As soon as I would walk into the room, the pause button would quickly be pressed as my siblings looked at each other with large eyes wondering how to go about saying that this wasn't a television show that I would be allowed to see. Sometimes I would stay and pretend like I was covering my eyes, but look through the cracks of my fingers, I was very sneaky. With that being said, this wasn't an entirely regular occurrence. Believe me, we had our share of "G" rated films and Anne of Green Gables, which are equally as fulfilling, but there was on occasion times where Prison Break, or 24, or in this case CSI: New York was on and due to my mother's keen sense of judgement, my presence would not be seen at these screenings. Of course they would have happily put on something that both of us could see, but I wanted to see what they were seeing. I wanted to grow up. I wanted to know what the rumbling was about.
As the years passed, and I grew, and the novel idea of me being able to watch more television and movies that weren't so childish with my siblings felt more and more real. Eventually, it became a non-existent worry of mine. Time went on, and my freshman year I moved in with Joseph, his wife Becca, my niece Magdelana, my nephew Johannes, and my other brother Jeremy. This was one of the most delightful years I have ever lived. We had some of the greatest times imaginable, including rituals of a television show each night, one of which being "Lie To Me," a crime show based on the micro-expressions of people. I hadn't thought about CSI: NY in quite sometime, but de ja vu hit me, and I asked Joseph why we never watched that show nowadays. He explained to me something that was very important. He explained to me that in television, there can be a "how" or a "why" and that CSI: NY was a "how."(in much more eloquent terms, of course.)
It occurred to me that "why" questions are much more difficult to answer. Of course, I do find it interesting at what rate the car hit the pole, crushing the victim and not allowing oxygen to the brain, and eventually suffocating. The math, the logic, the numbers. Everything makes sense. Everything adds up. Every question has an answer and every answer a reason to back that answer up. It is when you start asking yourself why. Why? Why did the victim go out that late at night? Why did he not say goodbye? Why did he tell no one where he was going? Why was he alone? At this point you can only guess your best logic. With each question comes another question, and with each answer comes a series more.
Maybe that is why I enjoy crime shows. Because they give answers to all of the "why" questions that go through my head. They make all of these unanswerable questions make sense.
I know what happened in Newtown, Connecticut this past Friday. 27 people died. I can tell you how one man shot and took the lives of 27 people including himself. I can tell you which room he went to first. I can tell you his plan. I can state all of the facts. All of the statistics. I can tell you exactly how this happened. What I cannot tell you is why. Why did he kill 26 people? Why did he not get the help that he needed beforehand? Why did he take it out on children?
The questions are endless
The answers are nonexistent.
Emily Wilkens once came to preach at PAA for a week of prayer. She said, that once you start asking yourself "why" and come up with no answers, you have to ask yourself, "what now?"
I don't want to think of right now, I don't want to take action now, all I seem to want to do is want to think of Charlotte, Daniel, Rachel, Olivia, Josephine, Ana, Dylan, Dawn, Madeleine, Catherine, Chase, Jesse, James, Grace, Anne, Emilie, Jack, Noah, Caroline, Jessica, Avielle, Lauren, Mary, Victoria, Banjamin and Allison, those 26 victims each with a name and how life is too short if you're 100, let alone 6! I don't want to think of right now. I want to go forward, or go back. I am sitting, right here, knowing that I am absolutely incapable of bringing life into those 26 people again. That is all I want to do, that one thing I can't.
"How"does play and important role, though. How can I ask myself "what now?" When I ask that it is the first step toward moving on, toward accepting the facts, and that it even happend. What can I do in my community to make this world a better place? How can I hold my trust in God? How can I show others God? Because there comes a point when there are no answers to the why's or the how's or the what's or the who's, and all that's left is God. There is no explanation. Why would I want to answer these questions, because that just justifies the questions? I don't want "Why did he kill 26 people?" to ever be a normal question. How can I feel sympathy for the shooter who killed these people, and then was selfish enough to kill himself? How is it possible to believe in God, but not love all of his children? I cannot believe in a loving God, without possessing love to even the most un-loveable people.
That's a very hard concept for me.
kshjbrgb;ohwsbgiovlnlkfopuiyutrseazdxcvnbm.
...
Dear God,
Please be with the family's and victims of Newtown.
Help give me understanding, and to remember that this hurts you so much.
Help this world be a better place.
Help me know how to serve you. To not do things for myself, but to bring glory to you.
Help my actions not be my actions, but yours through me.
Help me be more like you.
Thank you, God.
Amen.
please come soon.
...
The Art To Getting By
When at first you try but you don't succeed
When everyone's telling you who to be and what to feel
When you stand up in a fight but you're still the bad guy
When it doesn't seem like you are gonna make it through the night
Oh darling let me teach you there's an art to getting by
I know life sucks I'm the first to tell you
but you gotta turn the other cheek and smile
turn the other cheek and smile
When you got so many maps but you still don't know where to go
When they say you you've had enough time, you should know
When you have a plan but it's not what you want
When you say you're in love and they tell you you're not
When it doesn't seem like you'll make it through the night
It's not worth this fight I'm fighting in
Oh darling let me teach you there's an art to getting by
I know life sucks I'm the first to tell you
but at least you can say you tried
Oh darling let me teach you there's an art to getting by
I know life sucks I'm the first to tell you
but you gotta turn the other cheek and smile
turn the other cheek and smile
When everyone's telling you who to be and what to feel
When you stand up in a fight but you're still the bad guy
When it doesn't seem like you are gonna make it through the night
Oh darling let me teach you there's an art to getting by
I know life sucks I'm the first to tell you
but you gotta turn the other cheek and smile
turn the other cheek and smile
When you got so many maps but you still don't know where to go
When they say you you've had enough time, you should know
When you have a plan but it's not what you want
When you say you're in love and they tell you you're not
When it doesn't seem like you'll make it through the night
It's not worth this fight I'm fighting in
Oh darling let me teach you there's an art to getting by
I know life sucks I'm the first to tell you
but at least you can say you tried
Oh darling let me teach you there's an art to getting by
I know life sucks I'm the first to tell you
but you gotta turn the other cheek and smile
turn the other cheek and smile
Friday, December 7, 2012
L.A.
Gonna start this home from the roots
Never thought I'd lose you
Gonna follow those city lights
Call me a dreamer but it's worth a fight
Easier said than done
Well I learned my lesson
There's no easy way out
and I found out the hard way
Is this a heartbreak
You still make my heart race
This is a hard place
to be
Someone guide me
I'm still fighting
No I'm lying
but you can't fix me
I want to go to L.A.
Take the Max or the Subway
Maybe I just had a bad day but,
I'm already here
I thought I left you far away from here
But you've still followed me through all these years
Three thousand miles away
I'm still choked up with no words to say
I'm searching for someone to replace
Someone to calm this rage
I'm all alone on this quest
We all know I got a few things I gotta get off my chest
Is this a heartbreak
You still make my heart race
This is a hard place
to be
You still make my heart race
This is a hard place
to be
Someone guide me
I'm still fighting
No I'm lying
but you can't fix me
I want to go to L.A.
Take the Max or the Subway
Maybe I just had a bad day but,
I'm already here
You call me with your touch, I'm too young for love, I'm too young
I'm too young for love
You call me with your touch, I'm too young for love, I'm too young
I'm just too young for love
Is this a heartbreak
You still make my heart race
You still make my heart race
This is a hard place
to be
Someone guide me
I'm still fighting
No I'm lying
but you can't fix me
I want to go to L.A.
Take the Max or the Subway
Maybe I just had a bad day but,
I'm already here
I guess maybe I jumped the gun
You know I still need to learn a few lessons
I'm stranded in this foreign land
Moving on holding a stranger's hand
This is a heartbreak
Cause you still make my heart race
This is a very hard place to be
No one can guide me
Cause I'm not fighting
No I'm not lying
You can't fix me
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Here's What It's Like On The Inside of My Soul
You can't possess love if you try
I'm no angel, but I still like to fly
One fear falls, I can't wipe it away
Just let it fall
'Till I got words to say
Say I'm gonna be happy
Say I'm gonna learn
Search through everybody but I still get hurt
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
Ask me no more questions, there's no more you need to know
Dust the corners of my heart, the child in me has grown old
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
If I sing loud enough you'll here no voice
I'm screaming in your ear, you've left me no choice
An angel told me once, "guard your gold and shoot your gun.
Love your God and hold him dear, but don't love anyone."
Say I'm gonna be happy
Say I'm gonna learn
Search through everybody but I'm still hurt
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
Ask me no more questions, there's no more you need to know
Dust the corners of my heart, the child in me has grown old
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
How sad of you to go without saying goodbye
You left me angry, crying
At least I can say I tried
How sad of you to leave without shedding a tear
You got a taste of the ice that burns my bones
Smile for the cameras that's the smile that you know
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
Ask me no more questions, there's no more you need to know
Dust the corners of my heart, the child in me has grown old
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
I'm no angel, but I still like to fly
One fear falls, I can't wipe it away
Just let it fall
'Till I got words to say
Say I'm gonna be happy
Say I'm gonna learn
Search through everybody but I still get hurt
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
Ask me no more questions, there's no more you need to know
Dust the corners of my heart, the child in me has grown old
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
If I sing loud enough you'll here no voice
I'm screaming in your ear, you've left me no choice
An angel told me once, "guard your gold and shoot your gun.
Love your God and hold him dear, but don't love anyone."
Say I'm gonna be happy
Say I'm gonna learn
Search through everybody but I'm still hurt
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
Ask me no more questions, there's no more you need to know
Dust the corners of my heart, the child in me has grown old
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
How sad of you to go without saying goodbye
You left me angry, crying
At least I can say I tried
How sad of you to leave without shedding a tear
You got a taste of the ice that burns my bones
Smile for the cameras that's the smile that you know
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
Ask me no more questions, there's no more you need to know
Dust the corners of my heart, the child in me has grown old
Here's what it's like on the inside of my soul
Friday, November 23, 2012
Lucy Loves Jude
I want to tell him so much. If nothing else to give me some sort of concept of who I really am to him, to give me closure. But sometimes you have to think about other people. It's not about what I want. It's thinking about Maxwell, my family, all the logistics that seem to disappear when I think of the novel idea of me in his arms. You're right. It's not healthy for me to narrow my mind to only think of one kind of life with him. To not accept the fact that he may not be in my future. To think that there is a guy out there that at just the right time, in the right place, in the right moment, with the right intentions, loves me the way I love him. I wish I could know if he ever loved me the way I imagine myself always loving him. It hurts to think that someone, some human, some imperfect being could have such a hold on me. I know, I KNOW he's not perfect, but he is so perfect to me. It's not good for me, you're right. I do need to move on. I want to, I legitimately try. I am always led back to him in someway. I see a superhero and I think of his love for them. I hear The Beatles, and I remember of our mutual favorite band. Everytime I get a text, a call, I hope to look at my phone and see his name. I sound like a child, I know I'm sixteen. But it feels like I have already lived a lifetime that's just gone way too fast. I know it's easy to remember things differently than they happened, but maybe if the memory of him is all I will ever have, than that will be enough to know that maybe, at one second, in just the right moment, at just the right time, he felt the same way about me, as I always will him. I love him. I can't just forget.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
There's No Bob Without a Betty, and No Betty Without a Bob
This week, my grandpa died. My siblings and loyal parents gathered around the night before and sung them the nightly ritual of "Tis Love That Makes Us Happy" as well as a few other hymns. Tears were shed. Memories were shared. I thought that this would be the hardest, being awoken to a somber voice telling me, that "Grandpa went to sleep with Jesus."
It's not often that all seven of my siblings and I are together, aside from Christmas or Thanksgiving, or a big event that happens during the year. For two days during the week, there we are. Together.
The real pain was the aftermath. My grandma and grandpa have been tied at the hip for over 65 years. There was no Bob without Betty, and no Betty without Bob. They were one. She has for all of her life had him by her side.
Right now my Grandma is banging on her bedroom door. She refuses to go to sleep.
My mom and I went into her nicely re-decorated bedroom with a pink comforter and dolls to get her ready for bed. She kept snapping at us, saying "now he is mine and I have chosen him for all this time and I don't understand why you are doing this to me." She has taken quite a liking to my dad, and refuses to let anyone else have even a glance of him. I don't know how my mom does it. She calmly replies, "I know, Mom. I know you don't understand. I love you, Mom." As the ritual continues, we begin singing our evening song.
"Tis love that makes us happy
Tis love that smoothes the way
It helps us mind
It keeps us kind
To others
Everyday."
We get choked up, and both start crying. We hug each other. She is so confused. If she could see herself now in her right state of mind. If she knew that she is not a mean person. Even in her dementia, she doesn't fully understand what's going on, but she knows that a huge part of her is missing.
I can only hope to mimic the kind of love and care to my parents as mine have so humbly shown to my grandparents, and I can only hope to mimic the kind of love that they showed to each other, for their entire lives. When you get married, you vow to love each other as long as you both shall live. You vow to become one. I thought I had just lost my Grandpa, but my Grandma will never be the same either, because they were one.
Grandpa's love language was definitely not one of words, but rather of actions. I rarely remember sitting down just talking. I do however recall watching the infamous movie "It Takes Two" hundreds of times, sneaking ice cream away from Grandma, him picking me up absolutely whenever I needed him, gardening, going on walks, the list goes on. There are so many untold stories, so much that I still don't know! The thought of there being such a distinct beginning and end is just mind boggling. How can someone be here one minute, and be gone the next? How can it take nine months for someone to come into this world, and a second for them to go? Why does everyone come together when your born and when you die, but the life in between goes so fast? why. why. WHY? I want to know his stories, his life, where he came from. I was so close to him, and I still don't know him. Life seems so long, but it goes by so fast.
It's not often that all seven of my siblings and I are together, aside from Christmas or Thanksgiving, or a big event that happens during the year. For two days during the week, there we are. Together.
The real pain was the aftermath. My grandma and grandpa have been tied at the hip for over 65 years. There was no Bob without Betty, and no Betty without Bob. They were one. She has for all of her life had him by her side.
Right now my Grandma is banging on her bedroom door. She refuses to go to sleep.
My mom and I went into her nicely re-decorated bedroom with a pink comforter and dolls to get her ready for bed. She kept snapping at us, saying "now he is mine and I have chosen him for all this time and I don't understand why you are doing this to me." She has taken quite a liking to my dad, and refuses to let anyone else have even a glance of him. I don't know how my mom does it. She calmly replies, "I know, Mom. I know you don't understand. I love you, Mom." As the ritual continues, we begin singing our evening song.
"Tis love that makes us happy
Tis love that smoothes the way
It helps us mind
It keeps us kind
To others
Everyday."
We get choked up, and both start crying. We hug each other. She is so confused. If she could see herself now in her right state of mind. If she knew that she is not a mean person. Even in her dementia, she doesn't fully understand what's going on, but she knows that a huge part of her is missing.
I can only hope to mimic the kind of love and care to my parents as mine have so humbly shown to my grandparents, and I can only hope to mimic the kind of love that they showed to each other, for their entire lives. When you get married, you vow to love each other as long as you both shall live. You vow to become one. I thought I had just lost my Grandpa, but my Grandma will never be the same either, because they were one.
Grandpa's love language was definitely not one of words, but rather of actions. I rarely remember sitting down just talking. I do however recall watching the infamous movie "It Takes Two" hundreds of times, sneaking ice cream away from Grandma, him picking me up absolutely whenever I needed him, gardening, going on walks, the list goes on. There are so many untold stories, so much that I still don't know! The thought of there being such a distinct beginning and end is just mind boggling. How can someone be here one minute, and be gone the next? How can it take nine months for someone to come into this world, and a second for them to go? Why does everyone come together when your born and when you die, but the life in between goes so fast? why. why. WHY? I want to know his stories, his life, where he came from. I was so close to him, and I still don't know him. Life seems so long, but it goes by so fast.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Epiphany.
epiphany:
how are you supposed to get rid of something if you still act like it exists?
I guess if you know it's there but don't act on it. when we have expectations of how things should be, we get so caught up in the picture of what we would like to happen in our head. we paint fantasies in our imagination. and when are expectations are crushed to the real life, everything comes crashing down, because you have poured your heart, soul, mind, yourself in it's entirety to believe the expectations you have created.
and life just passes you by, it doesn't wait for expectations. or moments. it simply, is.
come to terms with what exists. for lack of other words, the good, the bad the ugly.
Have the confidence to be in control.
how are you supposed to get rid of something if you still act like it exists?
I guess if you know it's there but don't act on it. when we have expectations of how things should be, we get so caught up in the picture of what we would like to happen in our head. we paint fantasies in our imagination. and when are expectations are crushed to the real life, everything comes crashing down, because you have poured your heart, soul, mind, yourself in it's entirety to believe the expectations you have created.
and life just passes you by, it doesn't wait for expectations. or moments. it simply, is.
come to terms with what exists. for lack of other words, the good, the bad the ugly.
Have the confidence to be in control.
Sewing
I only sewed the skirt part, lined it, put a slit it, and then wrapped the top part around in bow. You can do so much with the top, there are tons of DIY tutorials and stuff. Super simple for such a formal dress. The top picture is of the one shoulder version. Thinking about doing some embroidery and such. We'll see where it goes. Very fun.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Mindy Portrait April 23, 2012
I will travel the world!
the people.
the places.
the culture.
the food.
Oh the places I'll go, from the wise words of Dr. Seuss. (that book is inspiring.)
God is good.
The world is vast.
That excites me.
WORLD, HERE I COME?
NAW.
WORLD, HERE I AM!
Painting
You can imagine what the person is like.
Not who the person is.
But what describes them.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Oh children.
Sit in the rain
tears fall from her cheek
listen to me
walk on a park bench
hear children scream
this is not how it should be
Kids can't find their way
They can't go some place they've never been
Listen to music shiver my skin
this is where it ends
count to a hundred
now to 99
now we're out of time
Kids can't find their way
They can't go some place they've never been
Oh children run
Life is so fun, run to your Mama
Oh children love
Life is so long, run to you sister now
spill a new stain
can't make it go away
just like you, you can't stray, child run.
tears fall from her cheek
listen to me
walk on a park bench
hear children scream
this is not how it should be
Kids can't find their way
They can't go some place they've never been
Listen to music shiver my skin
this is where it ends
count to a hundred
now to 99
now we're out of time
Kids can't find their way
They can't go some place they've never been
Oh children run
Life is so fun, run to your Mama
Oh children love
Life is so long, run to you sister now
spill a new stain
can't make it go away
just like you, you can't stray, child run.
white lies.
Julia smiled as she told her a story.
It sounded so perfect in her head.
She was just a child.
The more she thought the more she knew that anything was better with a little stretch of the truth.
The only fact she knew was how things could be, but even Julia didn't know what she wanted to see.
She wanted everything and everyone.
Their love.
their secrets
their:
trust,
infatuation,
thoughts,
heroes,
mistakes,
blackmail,
She wanted them in their entirety.
Julia was on a mission.
If she knew everything about everyone, she would find something that she'd want to see in herself.
Julia, the person with the most answers had the most questions.
She found their heroes, and before they knew her well enough, she became a different hero for everyone she knew.
"I'm Superman and Batman", Julia would say.
Superman and Batman. Against each other. On the same team. Not an enemy, but a nemesis.
Julia was her own nemesis.
Like her heart hated her brain, and her brain hated her heart. But they made up one person. One team, Superman and Batman saving the world, heart and her brain, saving her soul.
She read a word, and explained as a novel.
Played a note, and she was Bethoven.
Read a map, and she had traveled the world.
Picked up a crayon, and she was Picasso.
Julia didn't lie.
She simply lived the life she wanted to live.
She told the tales of her adventures daily, and pretty soon, Julia believed it herself.
Julia didn't want to die for one reason only.
She detested her life and reality.
But when she fell asleep, there she found peace.
There was one place in the world where she could find comforting, and she would never want to leave that world behind. Her world, her pride. Her belonging: her dreams.
She lived in her dreams, and each day she awoke in utter disbelief.
She tried to re-create her dreams.
If Julia told the stories as if they happened in reality, then she would begin to believe it herself.
There was only one place she longed to be, and that was back in love.
But you cannot go someplace you've never been, and that was the one thing Julia knew. Aside from her dreams and reality, and everything that got confused in between, that was the one thing Julia believed.
So she told her tales.
Her dreams.
Everyone was envious of Julia's adventurous life, except for Julia herself.
She couldn't fall back asleep. She didn't know if she was awake.
She told her dreams so much that she began to believe them. Was this the real life, or was it just another dream?
Finally, they were one in the same.
Julia's dreams had come true.
just a little white lie isn't so bad.
It sounded so perfect in her head.
She was just a child.
The more she thought the more she knew that anything was better with a little stretch of the truth.
The only fact she knew was how things could be, but even Julia didn't know what she wanted to see.
She wanted everything and everyone.
Their love.
their secrets
their:
trust,
infatuation,
thoughts,
heroes,
mistakes,
blackmail,
She wanted them in their entirety.
Julia was on a mission.
If she knew everything about everyone, she would find something that she'd want to see in herself.
Julia, the person with the most answers had the most questions.
She found their heroes, and before they knew her well enough, she became a different hero for everyone she knew.
"I'm Superman and Batman", Julia would say.
Superman and Batman. Against each other. On the same team. Not an enemy, but a nemesis.
Julia was her own nemesis.
Like her heart hated her brain, and her brain hated her heart. But they made up one person. One team, Superman and Batman saving the world, heart and her brain, saving her soul.
She read a word, and explained as a novel.
Played a note, and she was Bethoven.
Read a map, and she had traveled the world.
Picked up a crayon, and she was Picasso.
Julia didn't lie.
She simply lived the life she wanted to live.
She told the tales of her adventures daily, and pretty soon, Julia believed it herself.
Julia didn't want to die for one reason only.
She detested her life and reality.
But when she fell asleep, there she found peace.
There was one place in the world where she could find comforting, and she would never want to leave that world behind. Her world, her pride. Her belonging: her dreams.
She lived in her dreams, and each day she awoke in utter disbelief.
She tried to re-create her dreams.
If Julia told the stories as if they happened in reality, then she would begin to believe it herself.
There was only one place she longed to be, and that was back in love.
But you cannot go someplace you've never been, and that was the one thing Julia knew. Aside from her dreams and reality, and everything that got confused in between, that was the one thing Julia believed.
So she told her tales.
Her dreams.
Everyone was envious of Julia's adventurous life, except for Julia herself.
She couldn't fall back asleep. She didn't know if she was awake.
She told her dreams so much that she began to believe them. Was this the real life, or was it just another dream?
Finally, they were one in the same.
Julia's dreams had come true.
just a little white lie isn't so bad.
Wicked Game
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3Wxmz4tRDo&feature=player_embedded
Worth your time.
Cover by Josh Pryer.
Raw. Passion. I can't even stop listening to it, so you know it's gotta be good. seriously, I think I'm in love.
"The world was on fire and no one could save me but you/ it's strange what desire will make foolish people do.."
Worth your time.
Cover by Josh Pryer.
Raw. Passion. I can't even stop listening to it, so you know it's gotta be good. seriously, I think I'm in love.
"The world was on fire and no one could save me but you/ it's strange what desire will make foolish people do.."
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Stars.
Oh, and instead of just wanting to do everything off pinterest, I have actually been doing it.
fix me.
Got no passions, got nothing to get by
I can't even control my mind
I'll take you on a path on through my mind
Show you all my thoughts for answers you might find
Is this a heartbreak
You still make my heart race
This is a hard place to be
Someone guide me
I'm still fighting
No I'm lying
Fix me
They tell me everyday lights will guide me home,
but I'm in the city and I'm still so alone
You tell me everyday to just breathe easy,
but I'm just wonderin why you can't just please please me
I got no satisfaction
I can't even control my reaction
I'll race you on a track on through my heart
Show you where it ends before I show you where it starts
Is this a heartbreak
You still make my heart race
This is a hard place to be
Someone guide me
I'm still fighting
No I'm lying
Fix me
They tell me everyday lights will guide me home,
but I'm in the city and I'm still so alone
You tell me everyday to just breathe easy,
but I'm just wonderin why you can't just please please me
Please please me, please please me, please please me.
This is a heartbreak
Cuzz you still make my heart race
This is a hard place to be
Fix me
I can't even control my mind
I'll take you on a path on through my mind
Show you all my thoughts for answers you might find
Is this a heartbreak
You still make my heart race
This is a hard place to be
Someone guide me
I'm still fighting
No I'm lying
Fix me
They tell me everyday lights will guide me home,
but I'm in the city and I'm still so alone
You tell me everyday to just breathe easy,
but I'm just wonderin why you can't just please please me
I got no satisfaction
I can't even control my reaction
I'll race you on a track on through my heart
Show you where it ends before I show you where it starts
Is this a heartbreak
You still make my heart race
This is a hard place to be
Someone guide me
I'm still fighting
No I'm lying
Fix me
They tell me everyday lights will guide me home,
but I'm in the city and I'm still so alone
You tell me everyday to just breathe easy,
but I'm just wonderin why you can't just please please me
Please please me, please please me, please please me.
This is a heartbreak
Cuzz you still make my heart race
This is a hard place to be
Fix me
Shh.
Everyone has a story.
We walk by people everyday, knowing nothing about them, but also knowing that there is so much more to them. Now matter how well you know someone, you never really know them as well as you think. That's where God comes in, right? That's what we need. Because all other love in this world, sucks. and is so often deceived. And putting a label on something that God created to be so sacred, is not how it should be. But we also shouldn't be jealous. We shouldn't lie. But look at all of us, perusing around with our secrets and stories and lies and envy. The term "love" gets tossed around like nothing. When did it lose it's meaning?
God is the ultimate love.
Which means he is the one who can take that away.
He know's our stories and secrets.
so.
many.
secrets.
...
The worst one's are the ones we hide from ourselves.
...
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
5.20.12 Ramblings
Wrote this to a melody last week unexpectedly.
Got no passions, got nothing to get by I can't even control my mind
I'll race you on a track on through my mind.
Show you in the dark scared of what you'll find
Someone guide me
I'm still fighting
No, I'm lying
Fix me
They say that lights will guide me home
But I'm in the city and I'm still alone
They tell everyday love will find a way
But I have all the words and I still can't say
Got no patience, got no satisfaction, I can't even control my reaction
I'll pace you on a walk on through my heart
Show you when to end before we start
Is this a heartbreak?
You make my heart race
This is a hard place
To be
Fix me
They say that the lights will guide me somewhere
But now I'm in the city and I still don't know where
They tell me everyday to just breathe easy
But my heart is still racing can you please just please me?
Got no passions, got nothing to get by I can't even control my mind
I'll race you on a track on through my mind.
Show you in the dark scared of what you'll find
Someone guide me
I'm still fighting
No, I'm lying
Fix me
They say that lights will guide me home
But I'm in the city and I'm still alone
They tell everyday love will find a way
But I have all the words and I still can't say
Got no patience, got no satisfaction, I can't even control my reaction
I'll pace you on a walk on through my heart
Show you when to end before we start
Is this a heartbreak?
You make my heart race
This is a hard place
To be
Fix me
They say that the lights will guide me somewhere
But now I'm in the city and I still don't know where
They tell me everyday to just breathe easy
But my heart is still racing can you please just please me?
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
listening.
Breaking My Heart. (Aqualung)
Something Pretty. (Patrick Park)
Inside of Love. (Nada Surf)
St. Augustine. (Band of Horses)
Old Flame. (Arcade Fire)
Enough to Get Away. (Joseph Arthur)
Tattoo. (Joseph Arthur)
Fall Line. (Jack Johnson)
Symbol In my Driveway. (Jack Johnson)
Friends. (Flight of the Concords)
I like U Crazy. (Mates of State)
Where You'll Find Me. (J.M. Long feat. T.A.T.)
In The Sun. (Joseph Arthur)
Hotel Song. (Regina Spektor)
Kind of on a Joseph Arthur and Coldplay kick and never want it to end. LOVE.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
4.7.12
"Be who you are, and if nervous is who you are then be nervous."-JML
he give's such sage advice.
Spent the day at the beach barefoot with the family. Exciting.
he give's such sage advice.
Spent the day at the beach barefoot with the family. Exciting.
some poems and rants for the broken hearts.
Flash forward it's all crash forward from here
rewind it's all behind us from here
Shivering, stuttering, searching for words
Gravity is pulling me still I'm caught by your lure
You know she's innocent, oblivious her poker face is a smile
She'll lay you down her cards that she holds close to her heart
She bought lipstick to match your skin
So then when they kissed
He could turn away and win this game that she didn't know they were playing
She's on the outside looking in always wondering when
she can't find a way
he can't find her away
so they just try it again
they're still looking in
If she wait's for you
Would you wait for her, too
you're waiting
she's wasted
his love is tasteless
She found so much more than she was ever looking for
When they kissed they thought that'd be it
Then they started to wish
that when she was away he was missed
She's on the outside looking in always wondering when
she can't find a way
he can't find her away
so they just try it again
they're still looking in
rewind it's all behind us from here
Shivering, stuttering, searching for words
Gravity is pulling me still I'm caught by your lure
You know she's innocent, oblivious her poker face is a smile
She'll lay you down her cards that she holds close to her heart
She bought lipstick to match your skin
So then when they kissed
He could turn away and win this game that she didn't know they were playing
She's on the outside looking in always wondering when
she can't find a way
he can't find her away
so they just try it again
they're still looking in
If she wait's for you
Would you wait for her, too
you're waiting
she's wasted
his love is tasteless
She found so much more than she was ever looking for
When they kissed they thought that'd be it
Then they started to wish
that when she was away he was missed
She's on the outside looking in always wondering when
she can't find a way
he can't find her away
so they just try it again
they're still looking in
Friday, February 24, 2012
More.
"Im just a lonely kid just searching for love.
we were just a lonely kids just looking for more,
But then one day,
I couldn't fall asleep because my reality was better than my dreams.
Grown older, gotten wiser with age.
Grown up but still, we're the same.
Im still a lonely kid just searching for love settling for less.
We're both just lonely kids just living for less when there's so much more.
One night I made up my mind, thinkin of time, I was running out.
You said goodbye, I hugged you goodnight, watched you go, you never knew I cried.
I know it's hard for you, too. I know you loved me, too.
Drove me away from everything, forgot about the bad in the world.
In your world I was happy, but in this one I'll be good.
Feel any emotion? Anger, hatred, that's okay.
Knowing that I fill your thoughts with something, that's enough to make me crazy.
I guess you can't lose what you never had,
but you'll always have a hold on me.
Now Im falling asleep, turning to my dreams, because you're not in my reality."
...
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